You want me to do what? Work? Blahhh!

Recently, in one of my marriage and family relation classes, I was asked to talk about my thoughts and ideas on the values of working together as a family. Can it be rewarding?

If this same question had been asked to me when I was a kid or even an older teen, I probably would have said, “No way, Yuk, or Do I have to?" I hated work – it was the worst thing ever (though I didn’t mind earning money when it was offered). My father was, or better said, is a workaholic. He desired his children to be the same. In my mind, all we ever did was work. It never seemed fun, and it was even harder to do when I could see all my neighbor friends running around and playing.  I guess one could say that I had an immature attitude about it. Nonetheless, now that I am grown, I am so grateful that my Parents taught me how to work.

Now that I am a parent, I understand and see the value of hard work. However, my husband and I decided to teach our daughters a little differently. Since they were very little, I tried to turn chores into a game. I would sing songs with them, make it a contest, or sometimes even a reward was offered at the end of the job. As they got older, I would play their favorite music (or mine, 80s top hits) full blast, and we would ‘rock out’ as we were cleaning up around the house or outside. We have found that as we work together as a family, it is so much more fun. We talk more, laugh more, and my husband and I have had many opportunities to teach during those times. Now, I am not saying that my kids LOVE working, but I think they understand that it is necessary part of growing up and being in a family. In the long run, it has paid off. My oldest works part-time at an elementary school doing janitorial duties and the younger one has been going around trying to find jobs by mowing neighbor’s yards.  My hope is, by working hard, it will become a part of who they are when they grow up and hope they will continue to teach those values to their children. 

Keeping up with the daily chores, especially where kids are involved can be tedious and exhausting. Kids tend to fight and quarrel more; they don’t always do the job correctly, or they don’t do it at all. However, I really think as parents we need to never give up. We have a responsibility to rear our children to be dependable people in our societies and to take pride in a job well done. I really believe that when possible, laboring together as a family and teaching our children to work is an opportunity that is essential to becoming more like our Heavenly Father. Look around at the creation of this world; it becomes quite obvious to me that He is a hard worker. And yes, in the end, it will be rewarding! 

I couldn't help myself - The video below is a hilarious segment from "Kid Snippets" Its about a mom trying to get her kid to do his chores - This is all too familiar:

Mother, Mommy, Mama & Mom: Wouldn’t want any other name!

I remember as a little girl loving to play with my dolls, pretending house and dressing-up. It was such great fun to use my imagination in pretending to be a mommy. However, my first strongest memory I have of wanting to be a mother, sparked from deep inside my heart. I can’t remember the exact age I was, but I know I was in my teens. I was walking down the hall at church when I noticed a little toddler trying to reach his mouth to the stream of water pouring from the drinking fountain. My first inclination, which I acted on, was to pick him up so that he could get his drink. After he had his fill, he turned to me with leftover water dripping down his cheek and said in his sweet little voice, “Dank-you mommy!” My heart swelled; I brought him down, and he skipped away. I knew at that moment that I wanted to be a mom more than ever.

Fast forward a bit – well, a lot, and here I am fulfilling my desire of being a mother. It certainly isn’t as easy as I once imagined. I have shed tears of joy, sorrow, frustration, pain and of peace. I always knew I wanted many children; that was my plan. However, Heavenly Father had a different one for me (typical, isn’t?) J Without going into a lot of details, I will share with you my experience after Sunni, my second daughter, was born. She was a BIG baby (actually, both  were), 10 lbs. 4 oz. Her delivery was a planned C-section, and everything seemed to go great. She came into this world healthy and beautiful as ever. Later, that night, I woke up with a start; it was around 11:00 pm. It was very difficult, but I got myself out of bed to use the restroom. Once I got back, I fell asleep instantly. Almost an hour later, I woke again, needing to use the restroom. By the time I got in there, I had started to bleed out – profusely. I called for the nurses, and they quickly took action. Before I knew it, I was in the OR and I had flat-lined. I was losing blood faster than what they could replace. The only thing the Doctors could do to save my life was to do a hysterectomy. I was 28 years old.

This has been a deep and personal hurt for me. Not to mention how I have also lived with guilt for feeling so upset about what happened. The guilt is because I have two wonderful daughters, where there are so many couples out in the world that can’t even have one. To this day, I still do not know why this happened, but it did, and perhaps I will receive answers one day. In the meantime, I am so grateful for what I do have, and that I still have my life and the blessing of raising these two precious daughters of God.

Being a mother means so much more to me now than it ever has before. I can’t help but believe these feelings, and desires are inherited qualities from our Heavenly Father and Mother. I love that I am able to nurture my children and teach them all that I know about life, Jesus Christ and His Church. I take this role very seriously – hence, the tears that come from time to time. I understand now why mothers are known to spend a lot of time on their knees. I have been there myself pleading and seeking for guidance as I have worried about my girls.

The “world” tends to contribute such mixed messages of what it means to be a mom, let alone a woman. We are being bombarded all the time of physical stereotypes, that we don’t need a man (husband) to be fulfilled and that traditional family values are a thing of the past. There are so many mixed messages coming at us from all directions; it can be quite confusing. Elder Robert D. Hales, an Apostle of the Church, said once, in response to questions about motherhood, “The world would state that a woman is a form of servitude that does not allow her to develop her gifts and talents. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could be further from the truth. Do not let the world define, denigrate, or limit your feelings of lifelong learning and the values of motherhood in the home” (2008). On that same note, being a woman and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, I feel that I know more about who I am and my role. I believe that “Motherhood is near divinity. It’s the highest, holiest service to be assumed by mankind. It places her who honors its holy calling and service next to angels” (James R. Clark 1951). Being a mother has taught me so much more than any class room or work experience could ever give me. I have learned all kinds of skills, communication, patience, love and understanding. 

At last, I just want to leave with this one phrase I learned years ago, “If you quit your job today, you will be replaced by tomorrow. However, if you die today, your family will never be able to replace you.” So really, ask yourself, when it comes right down to it – which job holds more importance?

To Be or Not To Be… A Parent

“To be or not to be, that is the question…” asked by Hamlet centuries ago from a play written by William Shakespeare. This famous phrase has spanned through time on an endless quest to find what the answer really is. I use this question in regards to parenting and what it means to be one.

TO BE a parent has several different meanings to various people. In my mind, first and foremost, it means that when a person becomes a parent, they are the sole responsibility to raising, teaching, nurturing and loving a child. Parents come if many forms. They could be the child’s natural parent, step-parent, adoptive parent, grand-parent, foster-parent and so on. Whether we have children of our own or not, we all can give love, support, teach and nurturing to the children around us.

NOT TO BE a parent (and I am referring to people who have children but they neglect them) is someone who doesn’t care to foster and take responsibility for their children. They are the fly-by night person that follows their own selfish desires, pursuits and interests. Though this may sound harsh, being a sperm or egg donor does not automatically make one a child’s parent (mother or father) either.

Once a couple makes the decision to become parents it is so important that this decision is made for all the right reasons. Children are a huge responsibility and parenting can take a toll on a marriage and well as it can bless one. My husband and I may have different opinions, interests or hobbies, but we have always shared similar parenting styles. We never took a class or received parenting counsel; we just loved, taught and reared our children the best way we knew how. We both have strived to teach our girls with love and righteousness.  President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, “Every child is entitled to grow up in a home where there is love in the family relationship, where appreciation one for another is taught and exemplified and where God is acknowledged and his peace and blessings invoked before the family altar.”

Parents need to demonstrate love and understanding, set reasonable limits for their children in regards to behavior and consequences and allow children latitude in making their own decisions and choices. By doing this, parents will be more likely to maintain a strong and positive influence on their children.

I really believe that of all the joys and disappointments life dishes out for us, the bulk of those emotions comes from being a parent. However, I would never trade this calling to be a mom and to parent alongside my husband for anything in this world. 

Here is a funny clip from "Everybody  Loves Raymond"... In this segment he tells his wife Debra how to talk to the kids: 

To Honor and Obey? Seriously?

Marital vows, what exactly are they and what do they mean? In the first known recorded history, there are manuals and documents dating as early as the 1500s, describing marriage unions. According to Wikipedia, during the Roman Empire, “Free Marriage” was practiced among the lower classes. “ love  obey’" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_vows).

In today’s society, there are the traditional vows a couple makes. Most of us have either heard, made the vow ourselves, or maybe, even seen on TV. The words ring out with promises to be true to each other in sickness and in health, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer; til’ death do us part. Once these vows and promises have been made, what does it mean to keep these vows with complete fidelity?

I believe the best way to answer this question is to explain what it means to me. Complete fidelity in a marriage to me means that neither the husband nor wife have any kind of thoughts, associations, or participate in any kind of activity that would bring distrust, hurt or disharmony in their marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball taught, “Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity.” In the text book, we are using for my Family Proclamation class, it continues to give this definition of totally fidelity, “We marry with the understanding that we will give ourselves completely to our spouse and that any divergence is sin. We show faithfulness to God by loving him with all our ‘heart, might, mind and strength’ (D&C 4:2). We show fidelity to our spouse in the same ways. Indeed, our spouse is the only other being besides God whom we are command to love with all our heart. We are commanded to love our spouse with all our heart and cleave unto none else” (D&C 42:22). 

For as long as I can remember, I have always hoped and wished that I would be blessed to be married to my best friend. I remember praying to Heavenly Father with a list of attributes that I wanted in a husband. It occurred to me one day, after being married for close to five years, that Gary had all those attributes. God had answered my prayers and found me my best friend. Gary is a man that completely honors his vows. We both believe that a promise is a sacred covenant that we not only made to each other, but to God. Where does the ‘obey’ part come in? To me it comes in when we both promise to obey God’s commandments, by honoring and loving each other.

Even though I fantasized about living Cinderella’s Happily Ever After, we knew that there would be hard times; times where it would have been nice to just walk away. However, lucky for us, we also believe in the value of working it out, compromise and service. We came into our marriage knowing it was going to take hard work, dedication and a willingness to forgive.

The influences in the world would have us believe that if “things don’t work out”, you can always divorce. It’s simple, it’s easy, it’s the answer and no one is at fault. You can easily move on with your life and find someone new. But I ask myself, is that really the answer? Yes, I know there are real and serious reasons why a couple should divorce, I won’t argue that, nonetheless, I also believe that most marriages can be saved; if both parties are willing and wanting to do the work that is required. It is possible to bring back those feelings of devotion and commitment on the day the vows were made.

To honor and obey, yes, completely! To honor one another, and to obey and honor God who is and should be the center of your marriage.

Below is a short video about honoring our spouses and loving them forever:

His Job, Her Job, Our Job…

When Gary and I decided to get married, we wanted to start off our marriage in the right way. We created a set of rules to live by so that we would be worthy to marry in the temple and we signed up for a marriage prep class. We were going to do everything right. We were going to have the perfect marriage. We were going to have the Ward and June Cleaver marriage and family (You know, The Leave it to Beaver show from the late 50s, I am not sure if Gary knew that, but my goodness, we were going to have it).

In this marriage prep class, though I don’t remember much  of it, I can recall learning the importance of working together and  understanding what  our roles would be in the marriage yet learning how imperative it would be to support and sustain one another. We were given guidelines and strategies on how to have a successful marriage. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it teaches this very doctrine. It states, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners…” Both Gary and I wanted to be involved in our children’s lives. However, we also understood that we each have different personalities and characteristics. We each would bring a unique perspective to our marriage and in the rearing of our children. We had no idea at the time what life would bring us; how the economy would affect us or how many children the Lord would send our way. But we both had the same goal in mind, and that was to establish a marriage and family on the principles taught by Jesus Christ.

Becoming equal in a marriage might have different interpretations, depending on who you talk too. As a LDS member, we believe in being equal to each other, yet maintaining different roles in family life and marriage. In our text book, it states, “Equality is all too often used to mean “identify”; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other. Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality that is espoused by Lucifer, who passionately wants all to be “like himself” (2 Nephi 2:27, Book of Mormon). In contrast, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught:

“The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole” (p. 38 – 2008 General Conference).

My husband and I want to be of one mind and heart when it comes to the gospel of Jesus Christ. We have different passions, hobbies and interests, but one thing we are the same in, is our testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  He has his responsibilities and jobs, and I have mine. But when I lack in something, get tired or irritable, Gary is there to stand up and take over. There have been many times when I didn’t know how I was to complete one thing or another without my husband. In return, he has told me the same. I have lifted and sustained and picked up the slack where he might have left off. I am not trying to say our marriage is perfect. There have been periods, especially during the beginning, where we could have used some extra guidance or counsel, but over all – we both are working, we both try hard and the result of it has been a huge blessing for both of us. 

Below is a cute video clip of Mr. Clever giving advice to his son, Wally about the different roles of "Mom and Dad" ...

Wedding Preparation vs. Marriage Preparation

OK, so now I found Mr. Right and I am his Ms. Right, sooo, now what? Is it about planning the wedding? Is it about the dress? Or is really about a marriage?

I think that most little girls dream of their wedding day. They have everything planned from the wedding dress to the decoration, and sometimes, they even have their groom picked out. I always wanted a princess style dress. 

When Gary and I got engaged, I was working at a fabric and craft store. A preparation for my perfect dress was in the making and my dear mom was elected to be my seamstress. The dress was designed by me from a set of three different patterns. I picked out my fabric and other notions and handed them over to my mom; she was a champion. Well to make a long story short, after much tribulation and frustrations with the sewing of this dress – she was finished, but it was a few sizes too big. She didn’t want to deal with it anymore, so I took it to a lady that was a “professional” seamstress so that it could be altered to fit my waist. One day before the wedding I went to her shop to pick up the finished dress. To my dismay, it was not only altered to fit my waist but she had changed the design of it completely!! I was horrified. My poor dear mother was going to cry right along with me. I didn’t know what to say to this lady – I swallowed my anger, explained what she did wrong, paid her (yes, I still paid her) and left. It wasn’t my dream dress anymore. 

BUT I soon came to terms through much thought and prayer; my wedding wasn’t about the dress nor was it about the wedding celebration, it was about a marriage. It was about a commitment and relationship between Gary, myself and God and this relationship was about to become eternal.

In our text book, Elder Richard G. Scott, a member of the quorum of the twelve apostles taught, “Do not let receptions, wedding breakfasts, farewells, or other activities [like the dress] overshadow the sacred temple experience” (p. 24). Temple marriages are very sacred to LDS members. We believe that through a temple marriage, a couple is sealed together for time and all eternity. We believe that life existed before we were born, and that our lives will carry on into the eternities. Marriage and families are ordained of God.

Dating and Courtship: The date the lead to meeting my eternal mate…

I met my husband Gary, January 1^st, 1995. Was it love at first sight? Perhaps, but it took about 2 ½ months after meeting each other to finally go on our first date. And of course, as the saying goes, “I chased him until he caught me…” I had to call him twice before he returned my call (I had to be the one to initiate our first date and yes, he did think I was pretty desperate). He blames his roommate for not giving him the message, you know, back in the days before texting. But we finally went on our first date, love fell on us like a ton of bricks, and 9 months later we were married in LDS Bountiful Utah Temple. 

Getting to the point where I was ready for marriage wasn’t necessarily easy, nor did it go the way I expected. I wanted to find Mr. Right, be a young bride, and live happily ever after. But that didn’t happen so quickly for me. At age 21, with no marriage prospects in view, I decided to serve a LDS mission; one of the best choices I ever made. I was never one who dated a lot before my mission – I was scared of most boys. However, serving a mission taught me assertiveness and gave me a confidence I never would have learned anywhere else. Shortly after coming home from my mission, I turned into a “dating machine”. I was having fun and enjoying every minute of it. I had resolved in my mind that I would be just fine if I didn’t marry until my 30s. (For those of you who may not understand the LDS culture, its very common for us to marry very young, low to mid twenties, so a woman getting married at 30- something might be considered an “old maid”, I know, sounds odd to the general population but that’s just our culture).

Instead of trying to find Mr. Right, I knew I needed to become Ms. Right. I had goals I needed to reach and skills I could develop. If I wanted a certain quality in a man (like strong faith in God) then I needed to develop that attribute in myself.

In chapter one of my text book, “Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives” it talks about this very subject, becoming Mr. or Ms. Right. It states, “While a “becoming” based approach to dating still recognizes the importance of finding a good person to marry, finding is not the primary focus. Rather the main emphasis is on becoming ready for marriage and then committing to that relationship when you have made the decision to marry” (p. 6, 2012). I find this to be good and sound advice. The dating game can be very frustrating; I remember all too well.  Once I made the decision not to worry so much about whom I was going to marry but focused more on becoming a better person and working on my own strengths, BAM – I met my Mr. Right.