To Be or Not To Be… A Parent

“To be or not to be, that is the question…” asked by Hamlet centuries ago from a play written by William Shakespeare. This famous phrase has spanned through time on an endless quest to find what the answer really is. I use this question in regards to parenting and what it means to be one.

TO BE a parent has several different meanings to various people. In my mind, first and foremost, it means that when a person becomes a parent, they are the sole responsibility to raising, teaching, nurturing and loving a child. Parents come if many forms. They could be the child’s natural parent, step-parent, adoptive parent, grand-parent, foster-parent and so on. Whether we have children of our own or not, we all can give love, support, teach and nurturing to the children around us.

NOT TO BE a parent (and I am referring to people who have children but they neglect them) is someone who doesn’t care to foster and take responsibility for their children. They are the fly-by night person that follows their own selfish desires, pursuits and interests. Though this may sound harsh, being a sperm or egg donor does not automatically make one a child’s parent (mother or father) either.

Once a couple makes the decision to become parents it is so important that this decision is made for all the right reasons. Children are a huge responsibility and parenting can take a toll on a marriage and well as it can bless one. My husband and I may have different opinions, interests or hobbies, but we have always shared similar parenting styles. We never took a class or received parenting counsel; we just loved, taught and reared our children the best way we knew how. We both have strived to teach our girls with love and righteousness.  President Gordon B. Hinckley taught, “Every child is entitled to grow up in a home where there is love in the family relationship, where appreciation one for another is taught and exemplified and where God is acknowledged and his peace and blessings invoked before the family altar.”

Parents need to demonstrate love and understanding, set reasonable limits for their children in regards to behavior and consequences and allow children latitude in making their own decisions and choices. By doing this, parents will be more likely to maintain a strong and positive influence on their children.

I really believe that of all the joys and disappointments life dishes out for us, the bulk of those emotions comes from being a parent. However, I would never trade this calling to be a mom and to parent alongside my husband for anything in this world. 

Here is a funny clip from "Everybody  Loves Raymond"... In this segment he tells his wife Debra how to talk to the kids: 

To Honor and Obey? Seriously?

Marital vows, what exactly are they and what do they mean? In the first known recorded history, there are manuals and documents dating as early as the 1500s, describing marriage unions. According to Wikipedia, during the Roman Empire, “Free Marriage” was practiced among the lower classes. “ love  obey’" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_vows).

In today’s society, there are the traditional vows a couple makes. Most of us have either heard, made the vow ourselves, or maybe, even seen on TV. The words ring out with promises to be true to each other in sickness and in health, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer; til’ death do us part. Once these vows and promises have been made, what does it mean to keep these vows with complete fidelity?

I believe the best way to answer this question is to explain what it means to me. Complete fidelity in a marriage to me means that neither the husband nor wife have any kind of thoughts, associations, or participate in any kind of activity that would bring distrust, hurt or disharmony in their marriage. President Spencer W. Kimball taught, “Marriage presupposes total allegiance and total fidelity.” In the text book, we are using for my Family Proclamation class, it continues to give this definition of totally fidelity, “We marry with the understanding that we will give ourselves completely to our spouse and that any divergence is sin. We show faithfulness to God by loving him with all our ‘heart, might, mind and strength’ (D&C 4:2). We show fidelity to our spouse in the same ways. Indeed, our spouse is the only other being besides God whom we are command to love with all our heart. We are commanded to love our spouse with all our heart and cleave unto none else” (D&C 42:22). 

For as long as I can remember, I have always hoped and wished that I would be blessed to be married to my best friend. I remember praying to Heavenly Father with a list of attributes that I wanted in a husband. It occurred to me one day, after being married for close to five years, that Gary had all those attributes. God had answered my prayers and found me my best friend. Gary is a man that completely honors his vows. We both believe that a promise is a sacred covenant that we not only made to each other, but to God. Where does the ‘obey’ part come in? To me it comes in when we both promise to obey God’s commandments, by honoring and loving each other.

Even though I fantasized about living Cinderella’s Happily Ever After, we knew that there would be hard times; times where it would have been nice to just walk away. However, lucky for us, we also believe in the value of working it out, compromise and service. We came into our marriage knowing it was going to take hard work, dedication and a willingness to forgive.

The influences in the world would have us believe that if “things don’t work out”, you can always divorce. It’s simple, it’s easy, it’s the answer and no one is at fault. You can easily move on with your life and find someone new. But I ask myself, is that really the answer? Yes, I know there are real and serious reasons why a couple should divorce, I won’t argue that, nonetheless, I also believe that most marriages can be saved; if both parties are willing and wanting to do the work that is required. It is possible to bring back those feelings of devotion and commitment on the day the vows were made.

To honor and obey, yes, completely! To honor one another, and to obey and honor God who is and should be the center of your marriage.

Below is a short video about honoring our spouses and loving them forever:

His Job, Her Job, Our Job…

When Gary and I decided to get married, we wanted to start off our marriage in the right way. We created a set of rules to live by so that we would be worthy to marry in the temple and we signed up for a marriage prep class. We were going to do everything right. We were going to have the perfect marriage. We were going to have the Ward and June Cleaver marriage and family (You know, The Leave it to Beaver show from the late 50s, I am not sure if Gary knew that, but my goodness, we were going to have it).

In this marriage prep class, though I don’t remember much  of it, I can recall learning the importance of working together and  understanding what  our roles would be in the marriage yet learning how imperative it would be to support and sustain one another. We were given guidelines and strategies on how to have a successful marriage. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, it teaches this very doctrine. It states, “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners…” Both Gary and I wanted to be involved in our children’s lives. However, we also understood that we each have different personalities and characteristics. We each would bring a unique perspective to our marriage and in the rearing of our children. We had no idea at the time what life would bring us; how the economy would affect us or how many children the Lord would send our way. But we both had the same goal in mind, and that was to establish a marriage and family on the principles taught by Jesus Christ.

Becoming equal in a marriage might have different interpretations, depending on who you talk too. As a LDS member, we believe in being equal to each other, yet maintaining different roles in family life and marriage. In our text book, it states, “Equality is all too often used to mean “identify”; that is, that two equal things must be identical to each other. Such usage represents a fallen and harmful understanding of equality that is espoused by Lucifer, who passionately wants all to be “like himself” (2 Nephi 2:27, Book of Mormon). In contrast, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin taught:

“The Lord did not people the earth with a vibrant orchestra of personalities only to value the piccolos of the world. Every instrument is precious and adds to the complex beauty of the symphony. All of Heavenly Father’s children are different in some degree, yet each has his own beautiful sound that adds depth and richness to the whole” (p. 38 – 2008 General Conference).

My husband and I want to be of one mind and heart when it comes to the gospel of Jesus Christ. We have different passions, hobbies and interests, but one thing we are the same in, is our testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  He has his responsibilities and jobs, and I have mine. But when I lack in something, get tired or irritable, Gary is there to stand up and take over. There have been many times when I didn’t know how I was to complete one thing or another without my husband. In return, he has told me the same. I have lifted and sustained and picked up the slack where he might have left off. I am not trying to say our marriage is perfect. There have been periods, especially during the beginning, where we could have used some extra guidance or counsel, but over all – we both are working, we both try hard and the result of it has been a huge blessing for both of us. 

Below is a cute video clip of Mr. Clever giving advice to his son, Wally about the different roles of "Mom and Dad" ...

Wedding Preparation vs. Marriage Preparation

OK, so now I found Mr. Right and I am his Ms. Right, sooo, now what? Is it about planning the wedding? Is it about the dress? Or is really about a marriage?

I think that most little girls dream of their wedding day. They have everything planned from the wedding dress to the decoration, and sometimes, they even have their groom picked out. I always wanted a princess style dress. 

When Gary and I got engaged, I was working at a fabric and craft store. A preparation for my perfect dress was in the making and my dear mom was elected to be my seamstress. The dress was designed by me from a set of three different patterns. I picked out my fabric and other notions and handed them over to my mom; she was a champion. Well to make a long story short, after much tribulation and frustrations with the sewing of this dress – she was finished, but it was a few sizes too big. She didn’t want to deal with it anymore, so I took it to a lady that was a “professional” seamstress so that it could be altered to fit my waist. One day before the wedding I went to her shop to pick up the finished dress. To my dismay, it was not only altered to fit my waist but she had changed the design of it completely!! I was horrified. My poor dear mother was going to cry right along with me. I didn’t know what to say to this lady – I swallowed my anger, explained what she did wrong, paid her (yes, I still paid her) and left. It wasn’t my dream dress anymore. 

BUT I soon came to terms through much thought and prayer; my wedding wasn’t about the dress nor was it about the wedding celebration, it was about a marriage. It was about a commitment and relationship between Gary, myself and God and this relationship was about to become eternal.

In our text book, Elder Richard G. Scott, a member of the quorum of the twelve apostles taught, “Do not let receptions, wedding breakfasts, farewells, or other activities [like the dress] overshadow the sacred temple experience” (p. 24). Temple marriages are very sacred to LDS members. We believe that through a temple marriage, a couple is sealed together for time and all eternity. We believe that life existed before we were born, and that our lives will carry on into the eternities. Marriage and families are ordained of God.

Dating and Courtship: The date the lead to meeting my eternal mate…

I met my husband Gary, January 1^st, 1995. Was it love at first sight? Perhaps, but it took about 2 ½ months after meeting each other to finally go on our first date. And of course, as the saying goes, “I chased him until he caught me…” I had to call him twice before he returned my call (I had to be the one to initiate our first date and yes, he did think I was pretty desperate). He blames his roommate for not giving him the message, you know, back in the days before texting. But we finally went on our first date, love fell on us like a ton of bricks, and 9 months later we were married in LDS Bountiful Utah Temple. 

Getting to the point where I was ready for marriage wasn’t necessarily easy, nor did it go the way I expected. I wanted to find Mr. Right, be a young bride, and live happily ever after. But that didn’t happen so quickly for me. At age 21, with no marriage prospects in view, I decided to serve a LDS mission; one of the best choices I ever made. I was never one who dated a lot before my mission – I was scared of most boys. However, serving a mission taught me assertiveness and gave me a confidence I never would have learned anywhere else. Shortly after coming home from my mission, I turned into a “dating machine”. I was having fun and enjoying every minute of it. I had resolved in my mind that I would be just fine if I didn’t marry until my 30s. (For those of you who may not understand the LDS culture, its very common for us to marry very young, low to mid twenties, so a woman getting married at 30- something might be considered an “old maid”, I know, sounds odd to the general population but that’s just our culture).

Instead of trying to find Mr. Right, I knew I needed to become Ms. Right. I had goals I needed to reach and skills I could develop. If I wanted a certain quality in a man (like strong faith in God) then I needed to develop that attribute in myself.

In chapter one of my text book, “Successful Marriages and Families: Proclamation Principles and Research Perspectives” it talks about this very subject, becoming Mr. or Ms. Right. It states, “While a “becoming” based approach to dating still recognizes the importance of finding a good person to marry, finding is not the primary focus. Rather the main emphasis is on becoming ready for marriage and then committing to that relationship when you have made the decision to marry” (p. 6, 2012). I find this to be good and sound advice. The dating game can be very frustrating; I remember all too well.  Once I made the decision not to worry so much about whom I was going to marry but focused more on becoming a better person and working on my own strengths, BAM – I met my Mr. Right.  

The idea and purpose of this blog…

I will freely admit that I really have no idea what I am doing – as far as it concerns ‘blogging’ – perhaps in the next few weeks I will feel like an ‘old pro’ though I have no idea what an ‘old pro’ is, but I will take it. 
Most of my family and friends know that I am a full time student at Brigham Young University-Idaho (BYU-I).  For years I have felt compelled that I needed to get my education but never knew what to study. Honestly, all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom. I have never been the type of woman that yells and screams about equal rights and power in her career. Nonetheless, I have always believed that a woman has the right to be who ever and whatever she wants and for me, that decision was to be a wife and a mother. So having felt and believed this for most of my life, it then occurred to me; why not major in “Marriage and Family Studies?” It was an “Ah-ha” moment and I have dived right in.

So now that I have given you a brief background of why and what I am studying at BYUI, I will now tell you the purpose of this blog. For one of my marriage and family relations classes, we have been asked to create some type of project that centers on the importance of marriage and family. In 1995, the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (we has members of this church, regard the First Presidency as modern day Prophets and Apostles), issued a proclamation to the whole world about the importance of marriage and family. It is called: 

The Family: A Proclamation to the Word (The Proclamation to the world)

We have been asked to center our projects on our beliefs as latter day saints and how they pertain to the proclamation. If you would like to read this proclamation, I provided the link above.My blog is NOT geared to any particular person nor is it intended to offend or preach to others who have made different choices in their lives or have different religious beliefs but rather, this blog is meant to share what family and marriage means to me and why I believe the way I do.